I Take Pen In Hand

[Admin]

I take pen in hand, and endeavour to write somewhat of my own history. (I think this is a funny phrase, because really, I take fingers to keyboard, and endeavour to write somewhat of my own history. HaHa!)

[Admin]

I was born in southern Ontario, Canada. I was raised Catholic, went to a Catholic school, and wanted to grow up to become a Priest. From a very young age, I wanted to serve God, and thought that serving God as a Priest was the way to go. I figured that since the Priest had a place to stay in the back of the church, and therefore did not need to worry about earning money to pay rent, then I could spend my life helping people. It was no deterrent, to have to live a vow of poverty, or anything else, because my only interest was in serving God and His children.

During my childhood, I had many interesting experiences. I had memories. I could remember what happened in the past, not only in my past, but in the past of my family members. For example, I could remember things from before I was born. This seemed very strange to my mother, who told me that it was not possible. I also could remember thing that would happen in the future. For example, places we were driving to, I would remember before we even got there. I would remember the upcoming road conditions, and things that were going to happen. The thing I could not figure out was, how my parents and the other adults could not remember what would happen next! My grandmother, my dad's mom, seemed to take an interest in me, and would ask me questions. She was a more spiritual woman, who valued spiritual gifts.


On this medium, I do not feel inclined to mention my parents names, as they were not always good people, and I certainly do not want to disrespect them, for they did the best they knew how! My parents were an eclectic couple, to say the least. They had differing goals and methods to achieve those goals, and therefore fought a lot. It was a sad time. Eventually they went through a period where they separated and got back together, separating again, etc. It was a less than stable environment. During this time, I began to lose my faith. I put my little pocket-sized New Testament in my sock drawer, and buried it under my socks, to be saved for a later date.


I realize that I am writing all of this very delicately, leaving out the horrible events and evil behaviours. Many children go through far more horrific and tragic upbringings, so there is no reason to delineate those.

[Admin]

Since my parents had split up, my thoughts could not focus well, and my ambitions waned, for about 4 years. Then when I was 16, I moved in with my maternal grandparents, and my cousins for a while. It was during this time my cousins began taking me to their church. It was an LDS church. They talked about the Saviour and how we should make our little community a haven here on earth. My heart was sparked with the memory of the Lord's teachings in the New Testament, and I fell in love with the Gospel once again.

I learned of a man named Joseph Smith Jr., who claimed to have seen the Lord, and received revelations about how to set up the Lord's church here upon the earth. I went about reading everything I could about what Joseph Smith Jr. taught and found that it was all good, moral instruction. I prayed about those revelations and found the witness of the Holy Spirit to support those works. Accordingly, I decided I needed to follow those teachings. I began praying that I could also be a prophet and talk to God, as Joseph Smith and the other prophets throughout scripture had done.

As I prayed, I found that connecting to God, in a face to face situation, was no easy task! But I did have an experience where I had a clear thought in my mind, that said, 'You need to keep the commandments."

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[Admin]

By the time I was 17, I had learned a lot. I begged the Lord to send me out on a mission. I wanted to be like the prophets in the scriptures, sent out to teach the people about God. I tried to convince the Lord of my sincerity, even stating that I would go where ever He wanted me to go, no matter the danger. I prayed for many hours a day, and for many days. I went through extreme mood swings while waiting for an answer. It seemed very discouraging.

As I prayed, I found that there was a thought that came into my mind, which did not seem to want to go away. This thought was, 'you are not keeping the commandments.' I could not shake this thought. So, I went into the scriptures to search out the commandments. How could I be a good missionary for the Lord, if I did not know and keep the commandments?

I quickly learned the commandments, then began to implement them. I soon found that there were many commandments, a lot more than just ten! I followed everything I could, as best as I could. And when I had a good hold on the commandments, I went back to the Lord in prayer, and told Him that I was now keeping the commandments and was now ready to be sent out to preach His Gospel.

I prayed and prayed. I fasted and prayed and begged to be sent out on a mission. Then I heard that same little thought in my head, 'you are not keeping the commandments.' I thought, but how? I am keeping all the commandments! As I continued to pray and study the scriptures, I realized that I was in a culture that was rough, and did not have the best social attitudes. I began keeping the commandments, not only in my actions but, in my speech as well. This was difficult, because I was ostracized a little more than previously, for not being a part of the community anymore. Nevertheless, I began keeping the commandments in my speech, and then in my non-verbal communications as well. I then went back to the Lord, asking to now be sent out on a mission. After all, I was now keeping all the commandments, not only in action, but now in my communications and interactions as well.

[Admin]

After learning to keep the commandments in my communications, both verbal and non-verbal, it was as if I was tested on the level of my commitment. Really, I think the testing was just a natural consequence of events. As I changed my speech, my friends did not seem to keen on being my friends anymore, and there may have been some humour and ridicule at my expense. I stayed true to my commitment to the Lord, and went back to Him in prayer. I was so determined to keep going, even though my whole world was changing.

I fasted and prayed, begging the Lord to send me out as a missionary, as one of His prophets. I told Him in prayer, how I was now keeping the commandments, how I could now be a good servant, a good example to others. Really, this was a point of prided to me, and the Lord would quickly teach me humility.

As I continued to pray, I finally got an answer. (A point that I would like to emphasize is; I would often pray for many hours on end, sometimes more than once a day for several hours each time. I was willing, and did change my entire lifestyle to align with the Lord. Often I would pray like this for several days. And often I would pray all day and all night, many times. This was no passing fancy.) I did finally get an answer though: That same voice, which by now was becoming much more audible, said: You are not keeping the commandments.

This was becoming difficult for me. I asked, Where Lord? And instantly, I believe I saw flashes of memory, three distinct memories of times in just the past week, where I had been interacting with my brother, where I had had thoughts not congruent with the commandments run through my mind. As I watched these events, I realized that I needed to keep the commandments in my mind as well. This was a great challenge, to keep all the commandments in my mind, in all my thoughts, to not let my thoughts stray again!

[Admin]

In striving so hard to keep the commandments in all my thoughts, I had found that it was almost impossible to control a mind so filled with pollutants. I realized that I had put so much bad stuff into my mind, that it was near impossible to keep it out. I found that I needed to change what it was that I was putting into my mind. In this regard, I changed the music I listened to, getting rid of that filth that was so prevalent in modern entertainment. I also changed what movies I watched, stopped putting in all the things that kept breaking the commandments in the name of enjoyment. Stopped reading all the books which had anything questionable in them. This, in and of itself, was a tremendous change to my lifestyle. And with constant meditation efforts, my mind began to clean, and to accept re-order. It was a very long process. A process that I would not want to go through again! It was painful. It sure made it difficult to keep friendships, even within my own family, because they loved to watch tasteless movies, to listen to provocative music, to read horrible books, justifying everything.

Finally though, I was able to get my mind under control, to not have it think so many things which broke the commandments, but instead to have it thing only good thoughts, helpful thoughts, in all aspects of life.

It was after this, I went back to the Lord in prayer. I prayed, telling the Lord I was ready to be sent out. That I had gotten ahold of my mind, and it was now clean, and ready for a mission.

Then the answer came.

In that same calm, merciful tone, I heard the voice which I had come to trust tell me, You are not keeping the commandments.

I broke down and cried! I had no idea of what to do. The last few weeks had been so grueling, I felt I could not handle anything more. I meekly asked, where Lord, show me where?

In your emotions.

I had more of those instant flashbacks, which reminded me of my shortcomings. It was there in my emotions. Where those flashes of feelings got in the way. I was a 17 year old boy. A boy that was already over 6 feet tall, and skinny as a rail. I was a perfect target for ridicule and the but of jokes. It was difficult, not to get upset, when the other boys at school would pick on me. I would have a flash of anger, when shoved against the lockers. Even though I would get a hold of that emotion very quickly, it was still there.

As a 17 year old boy that did not fool around with girls, that emotion was prevalent as well. It was almost automatic, when a pretty girl would come into sight, emotions shot through the roof! It was a terrible tragedy.

I realize I could hide my weaknesses from that age, not write it here for all to see, but I would like to let others know that I had challenges. I strived with all my heart, to control my emotions, to never have these flare-ups again, to be worthy of God, and to never break the commandments in my heart again!

I tried and tried. I did all that I could think of to do. I put my whole soul into doing everything I could, to control myself.

I could not do it.

[Admin]

I tried and tried, but to no avail. I could get most of one of those things out of me, but the other was more difficult. I could not seem to stop that immediate flash of anger that went with being hit or shoved. I tried as hard as I could, but I just could not seem to get it out. I could let go of it almost as easily as it came, but I could not rid myself of it entirely at that time.

Back to the Lord I went, on my knees, in total failure. I was so distraught. I told the Lord that I could not be His servant, that He would have to find someone else to send out. I apologized and the tears just would not stop.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since I had prayed at all. And, I could not take it any longer. Two weeks without hearing that sweet, merciful voice. Finally, I went back to the Lord, and begged him to accept me again. Only this time, I asked the Lord to just be a part of His Kingdom. It did not matter what part. I expressed to Him that I would be not only willing, but happy to just shovel the manure from the barns in the Kingdom of God. I would be happy to have any job. I just wanted to be a part of things. I needed to be a part of things. I poured out my heart, finally broken, finally humble enough to request a job, because now, I was finally contrite.

The Lord answered. That same sweet voice that brings everlasting comfort. That same gentle, but unwavering voice of truth and mercy answered me. And, I began my efforts in the Kingdom.

[Admin]

I would like to explain something I find rather important.

First, it is important to realize, that initially I had a great deal of pride in my requests of the Lord. Yes, on the surface it seemed to be for the good of the Kingdom, for God, but who was I to ask for such things. Yes, I am a child of God. Yes, the Lord loves me. But, I was not prepared for the service of God. I needed to repent of that. I needed to be humble. To be contrite. It takes a long time, to build the skills and determination necessary to go through the rigors of discipleship.

Second, this is made very clear by the fact that the Saviour, as merciful and loving as He is, is uncompromising in His behaviour, and in His approach to the Gospel of Progression. Truth is truth, and even though we here on earth may find our pride hurting, just because one of our sins is spoken of plainly, the Lord does not shy away from it. He is very consistent in His behaviour, and no justification of any evil is made. It is all very matter of fact. Yet, if a person is humble enough to see it, this revelation is so loving, so merciful, that one can only be grateful that even though the Lord sees our weaknesses, and never justifies them, He forgives, and loves us anyway, still of course, expecting us to change without excuse.

I know this takes a great deal of humility to accept, but this is what I have found to be true in all the experiences.

Humility and Meekness, two indispensable keys of the Gospel of Repentance.

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